My now Ex did this to Me!
I don't even know how to start this without sounding pathetic, but here it is. It all just happened last week and I'm still processing it. She broke up with me, but never told me the exact reason until 2 days ago.
We were together a bit under a year, long distance most of the time. Early on we talked about kinks. I told her I had experience as a bull with hotwives and that I also had a strong cuck side. She was into it, or at least she said she was.
We planned a trip to Thailand. The idea was that she'd play with someone while I watched, or we'd do a threesome. She even started talking to this bi guy who sent her a dick video. She showed it to me. She was clearly into it. We talked about him possibly joining, about her making out with him on the plane, about me watching. I was hard the whole time we planned it. Classic swingers-in-training stuff.
Then the trip happened and everything went sideways.
She started going cold on sex with me. On the first night she said she was gonna break up with me to focus on her career. Wouldn't kiss me properly. Wouldn't fuck me. Said it was, "Out of principle," or that she only wanted to care for me, not sleep with me. We had the entire trip left so we decided to do it as friends. At the same time she was still keeping me close, still letting me stay in the same rooms, still taking the emotional support. I felt like a soft boyfriend she was already done with but hadn't fully discarded yet.
Then it came out. I eventually did kiss her, and fuck her hard for breaking up with me. But after that 1 or 2 times she didn't want me to fuck anymore out of guilt. And I was so confused. But she did allow me to eat her pussy out almost everyday. I'm very skilled with my tongue and fingers and I get her squirting almost everyday during this trip with this. But I wanted to be inside her which she denied.
And then it came out, one night she told me the real reason after an emotional roller-coaster...
There was this older guy, mid-40s, ex-army, muscular, fit, very integrated into her family. She'd been spending tons of time with him — dinners, drives, movies, even nights in hotels (supposedly platonic). She always told me not to worry about him. That he was just a father-type figure, since she lost her dad 6 years ago. A mentor who teaches her life skills, and offroading and hiking and camping stuff.
She used to talk about his stamina while hiking, and the way she said it stuck in my head. Two weeks before the trip he confessed feelings. She claims she rejected him, but I never fully believed that. Turns out she kissed him and both of them shared a passionate night when they were together, just a week before meeting me in Thailand.
Intensely. Passionately. She wanted more. She felt guilty later but still wanted more. That kiss is the real reason she started detaching and eventually ended it with me. She lied about the reasons for weeks. Career, family — all of it was the cover story.
So the girl I was planning cuck play with had already started the real version behind my back with a guy who has 20 years on me, a better body, and apparently the stamina she couldn't stop mentioning.
I'm 25. He's 45. She's 25. The age gap alone fucks with my head. Add the fitness difference and the fact that she went cold on sex with me while getting excited about him, and my brain went straight to the worst comparisons. I'm not the biggest, but I can make her feel good any day and keep her wanting more, this wasn't physical she emotional cucked me.
Now I keep imagining how he must feel inside her. I keep replaying the idea of him lasting, of her making the sounds she stopped making with me, of her taking something that actually stretches her better even maybe.
The worst part is how hard it gets me.
I've been jerking off to the thought of them constantly. There's this one fantasy that won't leave me alone: him fucking her hard and fast and passionate while I'm on the phone listening. On our last night together in Thailand, ahe asked me if I'd be interested in seeing her get fucked on call with him. I denied...claiming self respect, but now deep inside I want to see it. My cuck tendencies are acting up.
I keep imagining the call...Sometimes he's the one talking stuff to me. Sometimes it's her, breathless, telling me how different it feels, how thick he is, how she's going to cum on him while I stroke my cock. I shut the idea down when it first came up in conversation, but now it's the main thing I get off to. The real non-consensual version of the cuck dynamic we used to joke about and plan.
I even fucked another woman in front of her after I found out, just to feel some kind of power or reversal. She watched with a complete poker face, mostly on her phone, then left the room. It felt good in the moment.
Now I just miss her and hate how I feel.
I know I should block her and move on. I know texting her and asking her to cuck me properly / tell me about him would either make me look pathetic or hand her even more power. But the urge is still there.
Part of me wants her to know I'm hard over it. Part of me wants the full real-life version of the call fantasy even though it would destroy whatever self-respect I have left.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just needed to put the whole messy, horny, humiliating thing somewhere.
I feel fucking ridiculous.
Derelicked
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