Hello,
I don't know if this is the right place for this kind of text, but I'd like to explain how I think my cuckolding fetish came into existence and ask, if some of you had similar experience leading up to it. Also, English is not my mother tongue. So if I expressed something in an incomprehensible way, I apologize in advance.
I actually consider myself a rather odd case. Yes, the idea of my S/O getting fucked by a "better" man than me in front of my eyes while she verbally abuses and emasculates me is incrediblly arousing, but it does not go together with my everyday personality at all. Also, I would never consider doing it for real. I'm a 6'2 broadly build man in his early twenties who has defined goals in life, takes pride in his talents (writing and stage acting), is satisfied with his looks and takes the leading role in his relationships. In fact, one of my girlfriends left me because I was "too dominant", (granted, she was a rather sensitive person who sometimes cried at the drop of a hat).
Also, there was never a situation in which a girl appeared unsatisfied or disappointed with me in a sexual way. So, for a long time I was rather puzzled by the question where the hell this cuckold fetish had it's roots. When you have read this, you will most likely be puzzled by the question how the hell I didn't realized this earlier.
It began in my high school years. I was a completly different person at that time, but who isn't? Coming from middle school, where I didn't really have any friends and was slightly bullied from time to time, I considered this change of schools to be my last chance of starting all over again, at least in my later HS years. This is where I met X. X is (to this very day) a narcissistic bitch. She was spoiled and manipulative and deep down incredibly insecure.
She could not take any kind of criticism without being furiously enraged or dropping to complete silence. Sometimes for days. But, as long as you pampered her ego, she could be the sweetest girl imaginable. She also happend to be incredibly beautiful. She was very focused on keeping her body in good shape as you can see by her photos. At first, I actually only came into contact with her because she was friends with G., the girl I had a crush on - my experiences with G could fill a post on it's own...).
It took over half a year until X first met outside of school. As I said, I was not interested in her, but over the next month, we developed a rather strong friendship. I learned to put up with her antics. Yes, I was kind of deperate because by that point I still hadn't found any "real" friends at school. When the next summer rolled around and our year ended, we where so close to each other that we decided to take a vacation together.
A week-long trip to Berlin. Being so close to her and only her for an entire week taught me more of her antics. On some days, she would demand that we return to our hostel in the early afternoon, even though we had not yet seen or done everything we had planned for the day, because she was tired. She then would sleep through the afternoon while I had to sit on my bed quietly reading. After the summer, I actually got together with my long-time crush G.
She was my first girlfriend and I was as happy as I could've ever been. In this time, X's attitude towards me changed. We still met reguarly at her place (which was much closer to our school than mine), but she complained that I did not spend as much time with her as before. G., of course, complained that I spent too much time with X. Then, one evening I was at X's place, sitting on her bed watching some movie as we often did. Halfway through the movie she suddenly started tickling me.
I tickled back and soon we where rolling around on the bed in a kind of play-fight. I had never been this close to her, never really smelled her scent and even though I just got together with the girl of my dreams, I realized at this moment how attractive X really was. At one point, we slowed down and stopped our movements, our faces close to each other. It seemed to happen so naturally. She looked into my eyes, I looked into her's. I leaned in for a kiss (keep in mind, I was an incredibly horny nineteen year old) and she turned her head away at the last second, looking back at the screen.
Awkward silence.
I left after the movie without one of us mentioning the situation ever again. Three weeks later, G. Actually broke up with me because I had spent too much time with X. I was devastated and in turn came even closer to X. From this point on until the end of our second year, I would be totally on her leash without even realizing it. I occasionally tried to date other girls, and even succeded a few time, never on the long run. X kept talking shit about my other friends who we're drinking alcohol (like me) and some of them smoking weed (I didn't).
She didn't neither. She considered herself to be above such things. In that way, she tried to isolate me to make me even more dependent on her, mostly because she did not really have any friends of her own. And now we reach the point where, I think, the cuckolding phase began. I think I can even pin it down to one sentence she said, that I don't remember the proper context of, if there was any. She said something like, "You now, you and I go together so well, we could theoretically get married. But I couldn't have sex with you, because I don't find you attractive".
She most likely didn't even realize how that hit me. The thought of marrying this beautiful girl, but never being allowed to touch her turned some switch in my head I hadn't known existed. The implication of course being, if she wouldn't have sex with me in our theoretical marriage, she would have sex with someone else. And to this very day, my ultimate cuckold-related fantasy is my bride getting railed in the wedding night by some well-endowed stud.
Around the same time, she started heavily using dating sites, because she was not really outgoing. She often told me the things she looked for in a guy: At least five years older, muscular, driving a motorcycle...
For a certain period of time, she actually dated a new guy every to weeks or so, because even the muscular bikers she met could rarely satisfy her high expectations. She would tell me in detail of her dates, her making out with those guys and being fondeled by them, though she did not have sex in the time I knew her. I regularly slept over at her place, on an air mattress on the floor, while she slept in her bed, to be perfectly clear.
One morning she told me of a dream she had last night, in which I had kissed her. I tried to appear not to desperate and laugh it off, but when she said, it had confused her in her feelings for her then-current boyfriend, it was hard for me to conceal my exitement. When I texted her a few days later about it, she said it was nothing and the kiss I had given her in her dream was not even that good. I'm realizing that I'm losing myself in one-off anecdotes.
I think I made my point clear. To wrap it all up, The following night we got into a fight so significant (from her perspective, at least) that we didn't talk a word again to the end of university and even to this very day. Which was only beneficial for me, because without her toxic influence I could really develop into the person I am today.
But the "legacy" of this time of frustration stayed with me ever since.
Thank you for reading, and as I said in the beginning, it is so interesting to pinpoint the exact moment when the cuckold bug gets a hold of you.
Andreas (Kiki)
