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Hello,
Ending the Struggle
I titled this, "Ending the Struggle" but the truth is that a more accurate description would be, "Getting over the Hump," (no pun intended). The truth, as you will see, is that we never entirely get over the struggle, in this area of interest or any other. The struggle is what makes life interesting. And it is also true that most all couples who want to explore a female led relationship (FLR) and particularly one that includes cuckolding really struggle to get there. There are often many starts and stops, much confusion, and not uncommonly, arguments. He feels like he has explained things as well as he could, and she is perplexed at why whenever she tries to bring about what they have discussed, he pushes back. He believes he has articulated the inner-struggle and what she needs to do to help him get through it, yet she is hit and miss in her efforts, leaving him to revert back to ground zero. Often there are short periods of success followed by frustration and abandoning the idea. I have spoken in past posts a little bit about this phenomenon and included some specific tools to use when trying to overcome it, but it occurs to me it is worthy of a more substantial post.
There are two things you have got to get your head wrapped around that are largely responsible for the struggles which plague couples, particularly at the outset. The first is that you are changing the course of long-established ways of interacting with each other. These ways of interacting, the balance of your relationship itself is a product of who each of you is, and that of course is a product of your respective life experience in its entirety. I encourage you however, not to think of it as trying to be something you are not, but as exploring aspects of yourself which exist and appeal to you. In this way you have chosen to experience life, yourself and each other in a different, exciting and new way! Still, you must recognize and not underestimate what a significant undertaking you are embarking on. It is not easy, particularly at the outset. It requires a significant initial push.
The second thing you need to understand is that as human beings, we are complex creatures. There are many sides to us which often conflict. This is the beauty of the human experience. We recognize and accept this easily when we observe it within ourselves. We want that big piece of chocolate cake but know it is not in keeping with our fitness goals. Still, the WANT remains! We are on a budget of some sort, but we end up buying that pair of shoes or whatever anyway. Why? It is because we have competing desires and aspects within ourselves. This IS the human condition and we are well acquainted with it within ourselves. What becomes difficult is when we share our life with others. We seek complete clarity as we interact with others and are required to provide it to them as well. While we may recognize this social expectation, it does not result in the inner conflict disappearing. We say “yes” to the host on that piece of cake, but it does not mean we let the conflict go within us. We want a successful career and comfortable lifestyle, but it does not mean we enjoyed sitting in college class and doing homework. Still, we did it. If you think about it, there is not a single thing unique about conflicting desires and emotions. And that is a good way to understand the mind of the cuckold. Engaging in cuckold activities simply highlight the inner emotional struggle which makes us human.
So, we have two things going on, long-established ways of interacting with others, and conflicting inner desires. Both of these are particularly obvious and challenging when first embarking on a FLR or cuckold relationship. The first of these can be impacted to a great degree with a plan to establish new patterns of conduct and interaction. The second will always be present, and fortunately so! It is this inner conflict, this challenge, that makes us feel alive. It is at the core of the appeal of cuckolding. So, how do we manage it? We do so with a plan.
Suggesting that you have a plan seems so obvious and simple. But is it? Is it really? It is a piece of advice that you might quickly pass over. But, do you have a plan? Have you actually implemented any plan to get where you want to go? If someone asked you to articulate your plan, could you do so? I suspect not. Instead, if this submission is striking a cord with you, I imagine that instead you spend more time observing that you are mysteriously not having the sort of success you hoped for and frustrated as to why. You need a plan.
The first and absolutely most important thing about your plan is that it has to have a strong presence and absolute consistency at the outset. Many people are daunted at the prospect of looking at forever. Think of this plan as a bit of a crash course. I cannot stress enough how important this is. This period does not have to last forever but is imperative for success. You need to designate a week or two where your plan is essentially omnipresent in one way or another. The plan consists of basically two categories: Things you introduce and “do” and things you refrain from doing. I will explain.
First, if you are trying to introduce a higher level of control as a woman, you need to refrain for a time from doing all the little things that reflect otherwise. In times past, the truth is that men were often the bread winner (for lack of a better phrase) and women supported them by taking care of more domestic things. Preparing meals, making a cup of coffee, etc. were just a way of being. That is not the mainstream contemporary reality today. In most cases relationships appear much more equitable, with both partners tending to each other. Still however, there is a bit of residual bleed over from times past where women have a tendency to pamper and somewhat cater to their men in ways that when men do it are seen as the exception rather than the rule. Men often accept and even expect this without even being aware of it. That is all fine and good, whatever the balance in this regard, so long as both parties are happy. But, when a couple decides to explore a more FLR, particularly when it includes cuckolding, such activities are totally counterproductive. I am not saying thoughtfulness and acts of kindness are never to be a part of your relationship, but if they play out as they always had, they undermine what you are trying to create and experience. The is absolutely a show-stopper during that initial period of time when you are trying to change course. Both men and women need to be more aware of these little, often subconscious acts that reflect a relationship that is anything but female led or what would be described as a cuckold relationship. Ladies, give some thought to the things you do and the signals they send in this area. Men, ponder the ways in which your spoken or unspoken expectations undermine the relationship you say you are hoping to create.
As for the “doing” part, this can look however you want it to look so long as the activities and interaction clearly reflect an FLR/Cuckold relationship, are a clear and significant departure from the way you interact normally, AND there is consistency with a high level of intensity for a designated period of time. Read that again. You have to identify a period of time during which you will commit to an initial hard push, it has to be different from what your current relationship looks like, and it has to involve a relatively higher level of intensity consistently through that time period. My own recommendation is that that period be at an absolute minimum, one week. Reassessing at that time is prudent, evaluating what worked, what did not, and how you both felt. The next designated time can reflect any adjustments or new elements you want to include, and can likely be extend, say to two weeks. If for example you decide to deny sex for a week, make him refrain from masturbating, tease him but don’t let him cum, etc. these are example along with other changes that can be introduced.
If you are currently at a place where you are already seeing someone else, this is the time to turn up the heat. There is nothing that establishes the cuckold dynamic more clearly and effectively that demonstrating who you see as your primary source of sexual gratification. Beyond that, in the interest of truly advancing your shared goal of exploring a cuckold or FLM relationship, I encourage you to look back at some of the ideas in the earlier posts about activities that support that experience and make a clear, articulable plan that includes them. Commit to a week or two both of you agree to do your part. You may just find that what you accomplish takes on a life of its own.
Cuckold Coach - CCoach@mail.com
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